Recently the ESL Department at my school had our first (since I’ve been there) departmental meeting with our supervisor. In the lead up to it, the veteran teachers groaned and warned about how “there’s always something” and were not looking forward to it. I didn’t really know what to expect.

As you may know by now, NYC Public Schools now receive a progress report that rates a school for the percentage of progress students make. Our school scored an A, and this meeting discussed some of the weaknesses and where we, as a school, needed to improve. One was in terms of data, so now we have to carry around the most recent running record for our students, for example.

Our supervisor also detailed some ideas she’d gotten from going for some professional development with Teachers College, with which our school is affiliated. One of the things was the suggestion to “be the kid” — during a read aloud that the classroom teacher is doing, rather than being in the front of the classroom, sometimes we should sit down with the kids and get a better sense of how they’re seeing/hearing/interpreting/discussing things. The other new teacher (more on her later) and I were really jazzed by this. The veterans were kind of like, “more work?”

This seems to be an essential question and crossroads for what kind of teacher I will become. It comes down to why someone I am a teacher and where I see myself in this career.

It seemed common sense that we should be trying to see things from a kid’s point of view but, for me, it’s especially crucial teachers try to get a sense of how ELLs (English Language Learners) see things. It never ceases to amaze me that non-ESL trained teachers in a predominantly ESL school (87% of the school are ELLs) wouldn’t pick up a few clues about how to work with ELLs. Like using visuals. Or enunciating and using gestures. Never assuming the kids know the meaning of words or phrases. Speaking slowly or waiting longer than normal after you ask a question. And these teachers wouldn’t have had to simply infer these techniques — there are specialists all around them and some of their teacher guides even provide tips. But, sadly, too many teachers either don’t care or think the kids are simply slow or problematic. (I’m not saying there aren’t teachers who simply don’t “get it” but I think that’d be a rare kind of ignorance in this kind of ELL-dominant school.)

And I’m only talking about younger kids — I realize the average classroom teacher, even in an ELL-dominant school, may not realize reading skills are not the same as language skills or that a student can be an advanced reader and have low language skills. But how about talking slowly? Enunciating? Using gestures? Not randomly yelling or being sarcastic to 6-year-olds — those should be normal things with English proficient kids, never mind ELLs. But that’s kind of a whole other story.

Back to my (first) main point. Be the kid. This is what a good teacher tries to do, no? — looks at a lesson and thinks to his/herself, “how does a 6-year-old think? how might they see this?” — and then observe the kids to learn that. This is an element of the kind of teacher I’m trying to be. I imagine a lot of the veteran teachers may have started out that way, but maybe not. Honestly, I’d rather not think all teachers just become jaded shells of their former selves who are just working toward that summer vacation or retirement. I do see glimmers of good teachers under that rot and rust, and I see solid, if tired, lesson plans and strategies, etc. I don’t want to just chalk it up to age either — I don’t think that’s fair or the whole picture. Most likely it’s a combination of things like age, frustration, not caring about the kids b/c they’re not your nationality, etc., and it’d be dangerous to generalize.

***While it’d be wrong to generalize, I am searching for more understanding on this because it really is frustrating. There are two examples of the kind of teachers who frustrate me:

1. Some of my fellow/veteran ESL teachers just recycle old lesson plans from years ago without differentiating for current student interests or strengths, or using flexible grouping. They group kids by their reading levels (i think) and try to move them forward as an homogenous entity. I know this is likely an “old school” approach that they’ve probably just gotten stuck in, but they show no concern or interest in learning about differentiation, which is discussed all around us, because it’d require more work. Ah, yes, planning. These ESL teachers actually complained to me that the school recently changed things so that they’re in the classrooms more! It used to be the case that they’d pull ESL teachers out of their routine to sub for teachers or proctor tests, etc., but not anymore. They actually were salivating over this one other veteran teacher who was given the option (I forget the circumstances) to go back to being a classroom teacher or become a sub (with full salary, benefits and pension) and he chose to be a sub. “No planning! No responsibility! Just go home! That’s the dream teaching job!” Sorry, but I don’t consider that teaching.

2. Speaking of not teaching. This is an example of the kind of teacher who doesn’t deserve the protection of tenure (I know that’s a complicated issue, but nonetheless…). The reading teacher who goes into the 2nd grade class I’m assigned to really shouldn’t be in a position where she as interaction with children, especially ESL kids. She yells at them, making threats they don’t know aren’t literal (like, “you’re all going back to kindergarten if you can’t remember what we did yesterday!) is sarcastic with them, literally rips books out of the hands of a child new to this country because she can’t “read with emotion” and is simply overbearing, mean and also shirks any requirements to actually teach. I understand teachers lose their patience, but I’m talking about a women’s constant personality. She has no appreciation for the fact that most of these kids sit there and “just stare” at her after she asks a question b/c they’re translating what she just said, then thinking of a response (often in their own language and then translating it back to English), and then formulating how to word it, pronounce it, etc., etc.

I do think it’s really important that the new teachers, myself included, have been trained in looking for ways to differentiate or constantly assess, or set high standards, and “be the kid”. If it was just me that felt this way, I’d be thinking right now that the NYC Teaching Fellowship was the idealist, hippie commune of a program that just wanted to set high goals with no sense of how a real school works. I definitely feel the opposite… even though I do also feel like it didn’t enough prepare me for some of the mechanics of teaching, or about teaching in an elementary school…

***This is only my first full week (I started on a Wednesday and the following week was Thanksgiving), and I’m really still pretty open-minded. I do blog my thoughts, criticisms and what-not, but I still don’t feel like “all the evidence is in” or anything on the teachers I’m observing/analyzing/writing about. And, just to be clear, I’m not one of those new young teachers who thinks “get rid of the old to make room for the new” — I don’t think these teachers are bad b/c they’re veterans.. or are stuck in old ways that are all completely bad, etc., nor do I think I have all the answers.

So, I went to my new school today to start with all the paperwork and get my schedule. I found out I’ll be teaching about 8 different classes, grades 1, 2, and 4. Nine classes if you count “1st grade study group”, whatever that is.

I learned there are several other NYC Teaching Fellows at my school, some from 2002 or so, and one from last year, so that’s cool. I’m excited to learn from them and others.

It’s a really overcrowded school, so they have makeshift buildings for some of their schools. With 5 minutes to move from one class to the next, that should be really fun on crutches…

I officially start next week!

So, after about 3 different interviews – one in Manhattan, one in Brooklyn and one in the Bronx, and no job, I started to get worried. I easily called and sent my resume to more than 75 schools in Manhattan, with all telling they have no openings at this time. I started to fear that the Fellowship had overestimated the number of ESL teaching positions that would pop up.

Training was almost over and several of my colleagues had found positions and several others, including myself, still had not. The Fellowship was telling me that they expect positions to start opening up in January and we could all be subs until then. Sure, fine, (ok, totally not fine) but in December, there’d be more ESL fellows coming in, so more competition, and we’d only have until Feb 2 to secure a position or we’d be kicked out! Not exactly the kind of position I’d want to be in.

We had been told not to send our resume all over the city, and we’re supposed to focus in our assigned borough, but I needed a job. My husband and I had just bought our place and with a severely sprained ankle, needing to take cabs everywhere and needing to begin physical therapy, by financial and health burdens were growing too quickly to wait it out until January.

Within days I got calls for interviews from 4 different schools. I had one last Thursday and the rest are scheduled for this coming week. On Friday, i got offered the job I had interviewed for and had to decide: accept it, or go on the interviews this coming week, hoping I’d get an offer, or that other jobs would pop up after. Well, after taking some big risks recently, I decided not to take any more. I accepted to offer and will have to cancel my other interviews. It may have been a mistake, but I figure it’s just until June. If it sucks, I can always transfer. Better to have a job, stay in the Fellowship and get a salary and get in the union.

The job is at an overcrowded elementary school in an outer borough. On Tuesday, I go to take care of my paper work, assumedly starting soon after. I’ll be like a reading specialist teacher for ESL students, going from each class, K-5, working only on reading. We’ll see how it goes!

Ok, so I have a lot to write about since I haven’t written in a while. The day my training began, I severely sprained my ankle/foot, tearing muscle and everything, so I spent my entire month training on crutches. It’s been tough.

The school I was sent to, a high school in Washington Heights, was a pretty good school from what I could tell, with some pretty talented teachers. However, there were some serious problems. The biggest one being how several teachers and the AP I worked under viewed and treated the kids. My CT (Collaborating Teacher – the teacher whose room I was assigned to) referred to some of her ESL students as “chronic failures”, “lifelong losers”, “stupid”, “dumb as a lamppost” etc. Often times within earshot of the students themselves. She made fun of students in front of the class when they mispronounced words, and declared that certain sophmores “would never graduate because they don’t know enough English” — talk about setting someone’s fate before you give them a chance. Because if you’re their teacher and you’re already dooming them, it’s because you have preconceived notions of how people learn and change and you don’t want to do the work necessary to get them in a position to graduate.

It was sickening, honestly, to hear the way she’d talk about these students, and I got a chance to see how bright they actually are. One student who she always makes fun of was so creative in his approach to writing an essay I had assigned them – even with his limited English he tried to go beyond the minimum that was required. She saw that as a waste of time. I don’t think it’s ever a waste for a student to challenge themselves! So what if that means their work isn’t perfect – at least you see where they’re inspired and ambitious!

When I got to teach them for a few days while she was out on a school trip, the kids were eager to speak in class (since they knew they weren’t going to be ridiculed) and were excited about the topic we were studying. Did they talk and get out of hand at times? Sure, but that just means they’re normal.

So every day for weeks, I had to endure this. On my last day, my CT was out again and students expressed their disappoint me with losing me as a teacher in their classroom and having to be stuck with “the crazy lady” as some described her. She’s not crazy – she is just pompous and has no idea how to meet kids on their interest level or differentiate instruction — and she doesn’t care to try because she feels if the kids are smart enough, they should just “get it”.

I certainly know what kind of teacher I don’t want to be. I just wish I had found a high school teaching job – because i think that’s where my interest truly lies – in engaging students in topics they enjoy as a means for learning English. Which brings me to my next post…

So, it’s Friday, Sept. 21, the last day at the television job I’ve had for the last 7 years. I loved working for television news. It was easily the best job a person like me could’ve had — I was able to totally absorb myself in news; watch national and local news all day on tv, scrounge the internet for crime news in the ten states I covered, and read newspapers. I will so miss this job.

On Monday I begin my journey as a NYC Teaching fellow. And in another week I begin field training at a high school. I feel terrified, like I’m in way over my head and will constantly be running to catch up with the land that is rushing forward beneath my feet.

I want a job that is challenging, I really do; one that is meaningful and makes me feel like I am giving my all (and getting satisfaction in return). But I also fear failure — my own and my students’.

I used to be one of those 24/7 full-time political activists who thought they could confront all obstacles and change the world because they had the plan, the organization, and the determination. I gave up in the face of constant failure, or overblown, meaningless advances, and the rigid, self-righteous insistence that we were doing what was right, necessary, and better for the world, “even if they don’t know it yet”. I don’t think I’m that narrow-minded anymore. I’m not constantly trying to “get with” the “right” answers that are “right in front” of me. And I’m not trying to silence my questions or disagreements because I assume off the bat that I’m wrong. These days, I am unsure of a lot of things, but I am sure that that’s okay. Plus, I am way more open to learning from and admitting my mistakes. I no longer feel like there’s a right way to understand everything, with great detriment to the curiosity and unique approaches of everyone around me, and then some.

But I do still find the world, as it is, intolerable. So, I had to find work where I felt sufficiently like a martyr (just kidding), or find work that is truly meaningful. So, teacher it is. I don’t doubt it’ll be a huge test for myself as a person, for my marriage, etc. Everyone keeps telling me to expect to be terrible my first year but I don’t think that’s the kind of bar the kids would want me to aim for. I’m expecting to be at least “occasionally brilliant” as the guidebook says (yes, really)…

A lot of hardcore activists feel being a social worker or teacher, etc., is the kind of job that quickly burns out people of conscience, and is a waste of time compared to what they “should” be doing. But I think that’s because they’re too concerned with the “giant solution” to value the smaller, tangible differences people like that can make. And I think as long as I try to have a reasonable sense of what can be accomplished, it won’t burn me out. I’m sure if those activists read this, they’d say I was selling out or settling for measurable things over things that can “really” change the world. But I’d rather have measurable successes than measurable failures that lets down everyone who believes in me.