Now comes the worry; the self-doubting nightmares and questions that leave your breath suspended in air.

Be careful what you wish for, I was told.

I said I didn’t want to be a traveling teacher anymore and that I wanted my own class. Well, I have been assigned a “reduced size” ESL third grade class for next year. Some were supposed to be students from the second grade I work with now, but that changed and now it’s a list of all unfamiliar names.

Now comes the anxiety – am I capable? Can I do this well? Will I be able to handle teaching routines, managing them and really making sure they are learning?

I guess we shall see.

So, it’s Friday, Sept. 21, the last day at the television job I’ve had for the last 7 years. I loved working for television news. It was easily the best job a person like me could’ve had — I was able to totally absorb myself in news; watch national and local news all day on tv, scrounge the internet for crime news in the ten states I covered, and read newspapers. I will so miss this job.

On Monday I begin my journey as a NYC Teaching fellow. And in another week I begin field training at a high school. I feel terrified, like I’m in way over my head and will constantly be running to catch up with the land that is rushing forward beneath my feet.

I want a job that is challenging, I really do; one that is meaningful and makes me feel like I am giving my all (and getting satisfaction in return). But I also fear failure — my own and my students’.

I used to be one of those 24/7 full-time political activists who thought they could confront all obstacles and change the world because they had the plan, the organization, and the determination. I gave up in the face of constant failure, or overblown, meaningless advances, and the rigid, self-righteous insistence that we were doing what was right, necessary, and better for the world, “even if they don’t know it yet”. I don’t think I’m that narrow-minded anymore. I’m not constantly trying to “get with” the “right” answers that are “right in front” of me. And I’m not trying to silence my questions or disagreements because I assume off the bat that I’m wrong. These days, I am unsure of a lot of things, but I am sure that that’s okay. Plus, I am way more open to learning from and admitting my mistakes. I no longer feel like there’s a right way to understand everything, with great detriment to the curiosity and unique approaches of everyone around me, and then some.

But I do still find the world, as it is, intolerable. So, I had to find work where I felt sufficiently like a martyr (just kidding), or find work that is truly meaningful. So, teacher it is. I don’t doubt it’ll be a huge test for myself as a person, for my marriage, etc. Everyone keeps telling me to expect to be terrible my first year but I don’t think that’s the kind of bar the kids would want me to aim for. I’m expecting to be at least “occasionally brilliant” as the guidebook says (yes, really)…

A lot of hardcore activists feel being a social worker or teacher, etc., is the kind of job that quickly burns out people of conscience, and is a waste of time compared to what they “should” be doing. But I think that’s because they’re too concerned with the “giant solution” to value the smaller, tangible differences people like that can make. And I think as long as I try to have a reasonable sense of what can be accomplished, it won’t burn me out. I’m sure if those activists read this, they’d say I was selling out or settling for measurable things over things that can “really” change the world. But I’d rather have measurable successes than measurable failures that lets down everyone who believes in me.