Sooo, I think my principal observed me today but I’m not sure. As you may recall, I am a push-in teacher, and the classroom teacher is also new, so the principal may have been there just for her. Odds are she was there to observe both of us. And what a mess she saw.

First of all, the class was still taking their math test from the previous period, so we started late. I was waiting in the hallway as I watched the principal make her way down the hallway. Oh. no. please walk past me. No such luck. We both entered the class a little late. I walked over to the classroom teacher (C.T. from here forward) and said, “So, we’re doing guided reading, right?”

C.T.: Oh no, we can’t do guided reading. Book clubs.

(Note to readers: this means that, as usual, C.T. is unprepared for her lesson and wants to do book clubs because all she has to do is facilitate while the kids lead their own discussions, etc)

So, she places a “teaching point” aka T.P. (the theme for the minilesson that she’ll be giving) on the blackboard — nowhere near where the kids can see it, since they are sitting with their backs to the board. Then she cheerfully informs the class, the principal (and me) that she is going to do a read aloud about the topic (Social Issues). Essentially, she just told us all that she is going to read a book to us — while I sit there twiddling my thumbs. Not what she’s supposed to do. Great.  So she starts reading this book and then gets a phone call (thank god), so I continue reading the book and then decide to stop to get the kids discussing the T.P. she had placed on the board.  Ok, this wasn’t toooo bad, even if it was tricky for the kids. I was about to send them back to their desks when…..

C.T.: I want them to do one more thing before they go back to their desks.

Me: (silently gasping/dying/freaking out) Oh! ok….

Then she points to this chart she had put up behind me about a WHOLE OTHER teaching point (basically introducing a totally different lesson). So, now, aside from discussing the social issue in the book she wants them to identify the way the character is feeling. Ok. Fine. But it gets worse.

Student: I think Stevie wants Robert to treat him nicely.

C.T. then writes “nicely” down as a feeling. For those of you who are unfamiliar with parts of speech, NICELY is neither a feeling nor in anyway describing a feeling. It’s an adverb describing how the character wants to be treated! AGH!! Need I say the C.T. always does this and always mispells simple words? So, I said to the child, “And how do you think he was feeling???” And she calls on another kid who says, “I think Robert felt annoyed.” Ok – he gave a feeling but was discussing a different character. Fine. Now this minilesson is turning into a 15-minute jog down a winding, never-ending road. Luckily it finally ended.

Then I’m supposed to work with a small group of my kids – about 7 of them. She, however, decides to send all 14 of my kids to the back of the room.

Crazy.

Totally crazy.

I was able to adjust and did what I think was a pretty good guided reading lesson, but it was still insanity in that room.

Today was the first day back after our President week vacation. In one of my first grade classes, he teacher was asking kids what they’d done over the break. One of my kids, a rather bright and verbal 6-year-old, said, “I went to space.” The teacher, who has increasingly become kind of sick of her class (that time of year?) was annoyed, thinking he was joking around. I asked him what he meant, where did he go, and he said he went to Florida. He didn’t know the word for airplane or to say “took a flight”, but clearly he had seen enough movies about things going into space!

As I walked upstairs to the third floor, carrying everything I needed for each class I visited, I began to wonder: am I working to my full potential? Of course not, but am I at least on the right path to get there?

I recently completed my first month as a new ESL teacher. I had no prior experience in an elementary school setting (and not even real experience with kids this age), so I have really been learning a lot. And, to be honest, it was really hard to even admit that to myself because I set very high, maybe unrealistic goals for myself, including how fast I expect myself to learn.

Only recently – this past Friday to be exact – did I really allow myself to consider how much I have learned. I was having dinner with another teacher (A Fellow that I had trained with at the high school where I was a student teacher briefly) catching up on where we now were, where we’d be doing our Masters, etc., and I was describing some of my students to her. I was describing some of the things good readers do at the elementary level – like using their finger as they read and making connections between the words and pictures. I had an out-of-body experience in that moment because I was finally conscious of what I’d been learning! I had been feeling like I barely had time to create lesson plans, never mind step back and really see what I was doing.

I often feel so lost and confused, but this is so unlike just having a new job. I’ve had new jobs where I had to quickly learn how to interview a market analyst or a prominent attorney with little preparation — but I always had my skills and experience to rely on. As a new teacher, yes I apply strategies and skills from my background as a journalist, but this really is just a whole new way of thinking and doing. So, I usually feel like I’m working from the seat of my pants, hoping that what I’m doing is not just right, but good.

What does it even mean to reach your full potential? I know that’s something that requires time, but I think a lot about whether or not I’m reaching kids and being effective. I know – I haven’t even been here 2 months and I’m already worried I’m being ineffective. My AP told me in passing that she believes a good teacher is good in any environment, but she has never been a push-in teacher, which has a lot of its own quirks and difficulties.

As a push-in teacher, I’m constantly having to deal with the atmospheres created by the classroom teacher. Sometimes it can be great – four out of 8 of the teachers I work with are enthusiastic and I’d say two are understanding toward the uniqueness of their students (even if they don’t really know how to work with ELLs). But most really are not that interested and are much more inclined to see ELLs as “difficult” and bad students. They’re condescending and impatient toward them, and clearly not that interested in learning how to better serve this population (I’m mainly talking here about the ones who’ve been teaching for eight years who never bothered to take one course on teaching ELLs). When I go into those classrooms, it’s hard not feeling completely discouraged because I’m only with the kids for 1 period a day. As soon as I leave, I feel like all my work gets sabotaged (not intentionally). I really don’t feel like I’m having a lasting impression.

I mean, it’s true – it’s only been a month and really within that, just 2 weeks of having a rhythm with the schedule. Lasting impressions may take a little longer.

But I’m already hungry to be effective and to feel like I’m at least heading toward my full potential.

Ironically, just the other day, several of the veteran ESL teachers told me the school definitely is not using us to our full potential. They didn’t really explain, but apparently the school used to have a more developed curriculum the ESL teachers used, which required a lot more work but was more effective. I was getting excited and wanted to ask our supervisor about this, but then they basically said they prefer the way things are now.

One teacher told me, “Once they realize [how to better make use of us], that’s when I leave.” They’re done with being effective? Well, then I think they ought to be done with teaching. And what’s upsetting is they have so much experience and so many years of resources developed and are doing the absolute minimum. And here I am developing everything from scratch, feeling like a raccoon scrounging in the dark for something filling and satisfying to eat and sustain myself.

Part of me wonders if being a push-in is really the most effective way of reaching these kids. Maybe I need my own classroom with my own group of students. Yes, I’ll have to teach more subjects and I’ll be held more accountable and have paperwork, etc., but I’ll be with them all day. I’ll be their main source of influence in the classroom, not some cynical classroom teacher who wishes she was teaching kids back in her suburb on Long Island. I imagine being more free to be creative and being able to set and meet high goals.

But could I handle that? Would the school even let me? They don’t have enough push-in ESL teachers to begin with. Would I choose to be, potentially, more effective with a few over being (what feels like) partially effective with many?