seriously?

I had my post-observation with my principal Monday. As I walked past the desk in the office and over to her door, I thought the review couldn’t be too bad because not only are they retaining me but are giving me my own classroom next year.

So I was so devastated when she spent what felt like one, undetailed, disinterested minute describing what she thought I did well and then spent the rest of the time telling me I had “wasted the whole class time”, basically, by just activating prior knowledge and giving them a worksheet.

A worksheet?? And here I thought I had done a great thing by creating a graphic organizer for them (specifically getting them to work with ideas related to the book we were going to read), using a language prompt, and getting them to discuss big issues before reading the book! A worksheet? She made it sound like I gave them a fill-in-the-blank sheet while I sat text messaging or throwing pennies out the window.

I’m not the kind of teacher who wants to just give kids worksheets! That’s just not me! And I didn’t see how I was doing that! I was so shocked she said that and I just sat there speechless. I felt like anything I wanted to say would just sound like pathetic, whimpering defensiveness. I felt like all I could do was agree, try to explain a little about how I saw it, and that’s it.

I feel sunk and even more anxious and unprepared for my own class next year. I’m generally someone who’s very accepting of criticism (not that I take it all in unfiltered, of course), and who tries to learn from every experience, etc. But it’s so hard to feel collected and balanced after a post-observation like that. I have witnessed teachers get observed by her and be completely scattered and even give wrong info to the kids and they were told their lesson was strong and they clearly care about the kids and work hard! All I got was, “Your scaffolding and modeling were good and you did try to help the teacher during the mini-lesson”. Why not just pat me on the head and stick a lollipop in my mouth next time! Seriously? Not a “I saw what you were trying to do with that sheet, but…” or “you clearly put some thought into that lesson but…”

No.

Ugh.

It’s so hard for me, when I’m struggling to see my strengths and rely on them, to feel like all everyone else sees are my weaknesses. I don’t want to be a bad teacher!

now it comes

Now comes the worry; the self-doubting nightmares and questions that leave your breath suspended in air.

Be careful what you wish for, I was told.

I said I didn’t want to be a traveling teacher anymore and that I wanted my own class. Well, I have been assigned a “reduced size” ESL third grade class for next year. Some were supposed to be students from the second grade I work with now, but that changed and now it’s a list of all unfamiliar names.

Now comes the anxiety – am I capable? Can I do this well? Will I be able to handle teaching routines, managing them and really making sure they are learning?

I guess we shall see.

d day

Tomorrow I may find out if I am a classroom or push-in teacher. The anxiety is building in me and I’m no longer sure what I prefer. I just know that the suspense is making me dread the moment. Most of my heart is set on having a second or third grade class all to myself but everyone keeps telling me it’s too much work. No one has been able to sufficiently scare me tho

please tell me how

How can a school not know what teachers they will need in September? More than that, how can they not know what those teachers can be assigned to teach? Why, in June, is September still such a giant unknown? Are all schools like that?

And have you ever taught summer school? If so, how is it?

the teacher becomes the student

I started my grad school classes last night. 5 to 10PM. Oh how exhausting. What’s worse is we work in groups (I inflict small group work on my students, sure, but it can’t be anywhere near to how annoying group work is when you’re an adult). And of course in my group of 4 people there is one completely inept,clueless, negative woman, a woman who admitted to having dropped out of the Fellowship because she couldn’t handle it all and one potentially competent, rather immature, young woman. I would rather suffer under the weight of having to do all my own work rather than do most of the work (perhaps with the younger woman) and carry two other people along. I know I am being harsh – at least to the former Fellow – but i’m bitter and annoyed!

mystery

Yesterday my supervisor passed me in the hallway and said,”hi. How are you? I have good news for you. Talk to you later.” and then vanished and remained MIA for the rest of the day (from me anyway). And today she was at a conference all day. How do you do that to a person?! Hold them in such suspense for a day and a half and possibly longer depending what tomorrow brings! Argh!

By the way if this post looks funny its because I wrote it from my blackberry.