Full Potential

As I walked upstairs to the third floor, carrying everything I needed for each class I visited, I began to wonder: am I working to my full potential? Of course not, but am I at least on the right path to get there?

I recently completed my first month as a new ESL teacher. I had no prior experience in an elementary school setting (and not even real experience with kids this age), so I have really been learning a lot. And, to be honest, it was really hard to even admit that to myself because I set very high, maybe unrealistic goals for myself, including how fast I expect myself to learn.

Only recently – this past Friday to be exact – did I really allow myself to consider how much I have learned. I was having dinner with another teacher (A Fellow that I had trained with at the high school where I was a student teacher briefly) catching up on where we now were, where we’d be doing our Masters, etc., and I was describing some of my students to her. I was describing some of the things good readers do at the elementary level – like using their finger as they read and making connections between the words and pictures. I had an out-of-body experience in that moment because I was finally conscious of what I’d been learning! I had been feeling like I barely had time to create lesson plans, never mind step back and really see what I was doing.

I often feel so lost and confused, but this is so unlike just having a new job. I’ve had new jobs where I had to quickly learn how to interview a market analyst or a prominent attorney with little preparation — but I always had my skills and experience to rely on. As a new teacher, yes I apply strategies and skills from my background as a journalist, but this really is just a whole new way of thinking and doing. So, I usually feel like I’m working from the seat of my pants, hoping that what I’m doing is not just right, but good.

What does it even mean to reach your full potential? I know that’s something that requires time, but I think a lot about whether or not I’m reaching kids and being effective. I know – I haven’t even been here 2 months and I’m already worried I’m being ineffective. My AP told me in passing that she believes a good teacher is good in any environment, but she has never been a push-in teacher, which has a lot of its own quirks and difficulties.

As a push-in teacher, I’m constantly having to deal with the atmospheres created by the classroom teacher. Sometimes it can be great – four out of 8 of the teachers I work with are enthusiastic and I’d say two are understanding toward the uniqueness of their students (even if they don’t really know how to work with ELLs). But most really are not that interested and are much more inclined to see ELLs as “difficult” and bad students. They’re condescending and impatient toward them, and clearly not that interested in learning how to better serve this population (I’m mainly talking here about the ones who’ve been teaching for eight years who never bothered to take one course on teaching ELLs). When I go into those classrooms, it’s hard not feeling completely discouraged because I’m only with the kids for 1 period a day. As soon as I leave, I feel like all my work gets sabotaged (not intentionally). I really don’t feel like I’m having a lasting impression.

I mean, it’s true – it’s only been a month and really within that, just 2 weeks of having a rhythm with the schedule. Lasting impressions may take a little longer.

But I’m already hungry to be effective and to feel like I’m at least heading toward my full potential.

Ironically, just the other day, several of the veteran ESL teachers told me the school definitely is not using us to our full potential. They didn’t really explain, but apparently the school used to have a more developed curriculum the ESL teachers used, which required a lot more work but was more effective. I was getting excited and wanted to ask our supervisor about this, but then they basically said they prefer the way things are now.

One teacher told me, “Once they realize [how to better make use of us], that’s when I leave.” They’re done with being effective? Well, then I think they ought to be done with teaching. And what’s upsetting is they have so much experience and so many years of resources developed and are doing the absolute minimum. And here I am developing everything from scratch, feeling like a raccoon scrounging in the dark for something filling and satisfying to eat and sustain myself.

Part of me wonders if being a push-in is really the most effective way of reaching these kids. Maybe I need my own classroom with my own group of students. Yes, I’ll have to teach more subjects and I’ll be held more accountable and have paperwork, etc., but I’ll be with them all day. I’ll be their main source of influence in the classroom, not some cynical classroom teacher who wishes she was teaching kids back in her suburb on Long Island. I imagine being more free to be creative and being able to set and meet high goals.

But could I handle that? Would the school even let me? They don’t have enough push-in ESL teachers to begin with. Would I choose to be, potentially, more effective with a few over being (what feels like) partially effective with many?